The Special Tactical Attack Rangers Squad!
by Kylo Ronin
Summary: AU Hey folks, tune in to this week's new episode of STARS! It's got thrills and chills to send that proverbial shiver down your spine! And it's bursting with enough explosive action to break your television set! Join Chris, Jill, Barry, Rebecca and the others as they meet the newest member to their team! Things will never be the same!


The image on the TV was blue before going into a fuzzy black, the PLAY overlay off in the upper left corner, as the VHS tape started up.

Text appears, telling the viewer to stay tuned for the feature presentation after these messages.

Suddenly, a commercial for a soft drink blared, pastel colors exploding as the camera focuses on a couple of kids outdoors, sitting at a picnic table, drinking lemonade while a tuba cover of The Air is Getting Slippery plays.

A disembodied male voice boomed.

_**ARE YOU TIRED OF THE SAME OLD LAMENADE?**_

The shrill voices of children echoed in unison as the camera smushed up against their faces, exaggerating their bland expressions. **YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.**

The voices pitch went up before pitching deep, the picture jumping as the tracking overlay popped up to keep the tape running.

The disembodied voice continued. _**THEN GET READY FOR A TOTALLY RADICAL, COOL NEW POP. INTRODUCING FADE SPRAY, THE NEW AND HIP DRINK THAT EVERYONE IS DYING TO GET THEIR HANDS ON!**_

A spray can spins out of the neon void, a soda can mocked up to look like a medicinal spray.

_**WITH FADE SPRAY, YOU CAN CHOOSE ALL SORTS OF FLAVORS SUCH AS**_

_**GOOPY GREEN**_-

-A boy with a small plastic hammer pounds away with overzealousness at a small green block, sitting a piece of paper, until it is nothing but green dust.

_**ROCKIN' RED**_-

-A girl chops up a blue block with butter knife, a smile plastered on her face, as her eyes zoned out.

_**BLAZIN' BLUE**_-

-Another boy smacks a blue block with his bare fists, drooling from his mouth.

_**OR COMBINE THEM ALL INTO ONE ULTRA TUBULAR FLAVOR FEST.**_

All three kids proceed to shove their hands up at the camera, each holding a paper with red, green, and blue dust mixed together.

_**ALL YOU NEED NOW IS ADD IN SOME WATER**_-

All of the kids dump their candy dust into the can, pouring water into it afterwards.

_**TWIST THE CAP ON**_-

The spray caps are twisted simultaneously, as though these kids had rehearsed it enough to the point that their lives may depend on it.

_**SHAKE IT GOOD AND HARD!**_

Three shaking cans.

**_AND SPRAY IT ALL IN YOUR MOUTH!_**

Each one sprayed their candy dust flavored water into their mouths, each turning their tongues an outlandish shade of reds, blues, and greens.

**_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_**

Another announcer speaks up, subdued, adding that each product is sold separately, the Umbrella company assures that there are no preservatives added, and pleading customers to feed the beverages to their pets.

* * *

Abrupt cut to black.

And then menacing sounding music plays, as lightning flashes before the unearthly sound of thunder cracks as a group of kids sit in their living room with the door cracking open and a looming shadow spreads across the living room floor.

A deep sinister narrator, much less friendly sounding but no less hammy, echoes.

"An evil overwhelms the peaceful city of Raccoon's Grove and only the STARS can stop it!"

Quickly, these kids bust out a massive playset, an intricately designed dollhouse, a mansion that opens up to show each room. Rooms filled with gruesome imagery and horrific traps. Each kid has their own "action figure," a doll from their favorite series, The Special Tactical Assault Ranger Squad.

A black kid, holding a particular doll, screams out, "Those Crimson Heads are no match for Sharpshootin' Chris Redfield, with special boulder punching sequence!"

A brawny doll with a detachable right arm and wearing a costume swathed in woodland green, wearing a ninja mask, holding a big laser gun in his left hand.

An Asian girl put her doll next the first one, slender and lithe while wearing a neon blue ninja outfit, a beret resting on its head. "Looks like I'm gonna hafta save your butt again, Redfield! With my special Katana Strike, Jill Heartbreaker Valentine is at it again!"

A chubby white boy chimes in. "And Bashin' Barry Burton is backin' you up, just in case you turn into a Jill Sandwich! With my Barry's Special."

The toy, while shorter than the others, made up for it in bulk. In its right hand was a ginormous revolver of ridiculous length. It shot out a little plastic fireball.

The Asian girl frowns, obviously annoyed.

A white girl jams yet another doll in the lineup, this one swathed in soft white and greens, a red headband around their ninja mask. It was short and held a can Fade Spray. "Rebecca Lifesaver Chambers is here to make sure you're all in tip top shape.

A boy's laughter echoes, trying to sound evil.

All of the other kids gasp.

"NO WAY."

"IT CAN'T BE."

"IT'S GOTTA BE-"

A kid with a backwards cap pops out of the shadows. "Albert Cap Wesker here to save the day...for Umbrella that is!"

He showed off his own ninja doll, gunmetal gray and blue, wearing futuristic sunglasses wrapping around his eyes. He had the most accessories, the coolest weapons, and was the tallest of the figures.

The first kid shouted. "We're not letting you and Umbrella take over the world!"

The backwards cap kid shouted back. "You cannot stop Umbrella's plan for COMPLETE GLOBAL SATURATION!"

The announcer came back. "Which side will you choose? The heroic and noble STARS or the evil and deceptive UMBRELLA?"

Another announcer chimed in that these products were sold separately and aren't recommended for children in the age range of 3-6, which may present choking hazards.

* * *

Silence. Once more in the black void.

Then a barrage of promos for the STARS Power Hour.

"Weekdays and Saturday mornings, STARSmania is sweeping the country, driving the kids wild!"

Clips of kids in their own homemade STARS costumes and surrounding a stadium entrance as the actors for the show sign their autographs, smiling as they attend to their fans.

A clip of a brash looking guy smiling sheepishly.

"Chris Redfield! The stalwart leader of the STARS!"

A clip of a young woman giggling as she twirls a baton.

"Jill Valentine! His loyal partner!"

A brawny guy with a beard lifting weights before looking at the camera and cracking a smile.

"Barry Burton! The team's weapon specialist!"

An even younger woman is brewing a bubbling concoction in her glass beakers in a futuristic lab.

"Rebecca Chambers! The young prodigy whose the brains save the team in the nick of time!"

"You can enter a special contest to present a STARS episode and get your very own STARS badge!"

The voice rattled off a P.O. box address and phone number, provided they asked their parent's permission first. By then the viewer had tuned out through the haziness of booze as he raised up his commemorative STARS badge, the worn metal losing its luster through the years. He turned his attention when a young, energetic Mexican kid introduced the STARS episode. The tape recording was dated Sept. 29, 1998, at least that's what it said on the tape when he read it but he was too drunk to form a coherent thought. The eight year old boy on screen was very happy, a dorky and earnest attempt at a smile on his face.

_I can't remember the last time I was that happy._

And then he passed out before the show's intro rolled around.

The soft blue glow of the TV the only source of light in the dark, lonely apartment.


End file.
